Most of us weren't taught how to do relationships. We learned what we could from watching the people around us — and we picked up as much about what doesn't work as what does. When we end up in the same fights over and over, or feeling chronically unseen by someone we love, it's rarely because we don't care enough. It's usually because we've both gotten stuck in a pattern neither of us knows how to get out of.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the primary frameworks I draw from in my work. It was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is one of the most well-researched approaches to relationship therapy that exists. What sets it apart is that it goes underneath the content of what couples and families are fighting about — the money, the in-laws, the division of labor — and works with the emotional and attachment dynamics driving those conflicts. The argument about the dishes is rarely about the dishes.

EFT is grounded in attachment theory: the idea that our need for emotional closeness and security is fundamental, not a weakness, and that when that security feels threatened — even in small, repeated ways — it produces predictable patterns of pursuit, withdrawal, and escalation. The work is about making those patterns visible, understanding what each person is actually reaching for, and creating the conditions for something different to happen between you.

A note on training: I draw on EFT principles throughout my work and have completed formal training in both EFCT and EFFT. I'm not EFT-certified, and I don't practice the model to strict fidelity — I draw on it alongside other frameworks based on what each client needs. If you're specifically looking for a certified EFT therapist, you can find one through the ICEEFT therapist directory or Chicago EFT.

EFT for families and siblings

I also apply EFT principles to adult family relationships — particularly parent-adult child dynamics and sibling relationships. This extension of the model is called Emotionally Focused Family Therapy, or EFFT.

The core insight of EFFT is that attachment doesn't end when children grow up. Adults still carry a fundamental need to feel emotionally safe with their parents — to know that the person who was supposed to be their safe harbor is actually accessible, actually responsive, and actually interested in who they've become. And parents carry an equally fundamental drive to be there for their children that doesn't switch off when those children turn eighteen, thirty, or fifty.

When those two things get out of sync — when a parent's attempts to connect consistently miss what their adult child actually needs, or when an adult child has learned to keep their parent at a careful distance to protect themselves — a cycle develops that can be very hard to see from inside it. The parent tries harder in ways that push the adult child further away. The adult child pulls back in ways that feel like rejection to the parent. Nobody gets what they're actually reaching for. And both people often carry a private grief about the relationship that neither has ever said out loud.

EFFT works by making that cycle visible — and then slowing it down enough that something different can happen. On the parent's side, the work often involves learning to show up in ways that match where their adult child actually is now: available without being overwhelming, responsive to who their child has become rather than who they used to be or who the parent hoped they'd be, and genuinely present in a way that communicates "I see you" rather than "I'm worried about you" or "let me fix this." On the adult child's side, the work often involves something harder to name: gradually discovering that it might be safe to let their parent in — and navigating the complicated feelings that come with that, including grief for what wasn't available before, and uncertainty about whether this time will be different.

The goal isn't a perfect relationship or a rewritten history. It's a relationship where both people can be more fully known by the other, where repair is possible when things go wrong, and where the bond between them feels secure enough to hold the weight of real life.

If you're wondering whether this kind of work might apply to your situation, my sibling therapy and adult family therapy pages have more detail.