By Erin Runt, LMFT
A lot of the couples I work with tell a version of the same story about sex, and neither partner tells it as a story about pressure. One partner says they've stopped initiating as often because the answer is usually no, and that hurts. The other says they still say yes sometimes, mostly because the evening goes better when they do. Nobody has been forced. Nobody has raised their voice. And still, something in their sexual relationship has quietly stopped being free.
That quiet something has a name: covert sexual coercion. It can show up even in loving, committed relationships, and naming it is often the first step in working toward a sexual relationship both partners actually want.
What sexual coercion is
Sexual coercion is getting sex through pressure rather than through a partner's genuine wanting. It doesn't require force, threats, or anger. In long-term relationships it's often quiet. It shows up as moods, guilt, persistence, and a steady sense that saying no will cost something.
When I talk about covert coercion, I mean patterns that are subtle, often unintentional, and easy for both partners to miss or explain away. Subtle patterns still have real effects. Over time they can wear down a partner's sense of safety, their desire, and their trust in the relationship as much as more obvious forms can.
If sex in your relationship involves physical force, threats, or fear for your safety, that is sexual violence, and it calls for a different kind of support than what I describe here. Safety resources are listed at the end of this post.
Consent and compliance can look VERY SIMILAR from the outside
Consent is a freely given yes, where no was a real option with nothing attached to it. Compliance is a yes given to avoid something: a mood, a conflict, guilt, distance, or tension in the house. A partner on the other side of the bed may not be able to tell them apart. The difference lives inside the person saying yes, in whether they felt free to say no.
Here's a question I offer couples: if the answer had been no, what would have happened next? The answers are often different, and the gap between them is where the work can make a difference.
Where sexual entitlement comes in
Sexual entitlement is the belief, often unspoken, that one is owed sex: a certain frequency, certain acts, or a partner whose body looks a certain way. When that belief is present, a partner's no can feel like a problem that needs correcting.
Coercion is often what entitlement looks like in behavior. If someone believes they're owed sex, a no registers as deprivation or rejection. The distress that follows, whether that's sulking, withdrawing, or pressing, tells the other partner that no has a cost. The person doing this may experience it only as their own sadness or frustration and may not intend any pressure at all. Their partner feels the pressure anyway.
This is why I pay closer attention to impact than intent. Disappointment is a normal human feeling, and wanting your partner is a good thing. Coercion happens when disappointment gets expressed in ways that shrink a partner's freedom to say no.
Entitlement is also largely learned. Cultural messages, especially the ones directed at boys and men, often teach that sex is proof of love, a marker of masculinity, a need a partner is responsible for meeting, or a standard part of what a committed partner provides. Anyone can absorb these beliefs. Naming them helps us see a pattern clearly enough to change it, and it isn't a verdict on anyone's character.
What covert coercion can look like
Most of these are small on their own. What matters is the pattern, and what it teaches a partner about saying no.
Emotional pressure. Sulking, pouting, or visible sadness after a no. Going quiet, cold, or distant for hours or days. Irritability that follows a declined advance.
Guilt and obligation. "It's been three weeks." "I have needs." "If you loved me, you would." "I guess you're just not attracted to me." Framing sex as part of a partner's role or duty.
Persistence. Asking again, negotiating, or bargaining after a no. Continuing to touch after a partner has declined. Initiating until the answer changes.
Making no costly. Tension in the house that the kids start to notice. Withdrawing help, warmth, or plans the next day. The declining partner feeling they need to apologize, explain, or make up for it later.
Conditional affection. Warmth and attention that show up mainly when sex seems likely. Non-sexual touch that almost always turns sexual, until the other partner starts avoiding touch altogether.
Timing and vulnerability. Initiating when a partner is asleep, drunk, sick, exhausted, or recovering from childbirth. Expecting sex to end a fight or to prove the relationship is okay.
Implied consequences. Hints about cheating, leaving, or turning to porn "since you won't." Comparisons to past partners or to what other couples supposedly do.
Signs it may be happening in your relationship
Either partner might recognize some of these:
Saying yes mainly to keep the peace or avoid a reaction.
Dread or bracing around bedtime, or relief when the other partner falls asleep first.
Avoiding hugs, cuddling, or affection because they might lead to sex.
Having sex on a schedule to "get ahead of" a partner's mood.
Feeling like one partner's mood, or the tone of the whole household, depends on sex.
The partner with lower desire believing everything is their fault.
What coercion isn't
I want to be just as clear about what doesn't fall into this category, because once couples start seeing the pattern, some begin to worry that any expression of desire is a problem.
Saying you want sex and accepting the answer, including warmly.
Feeling disappointed, naming it once, and handling it as your own feeling.
Openly negotiating differences in desire, where both partners feel free to say no.
Differences in desire are one of the most common things couples bring to therapy, and having them is normal. I'm sex-positive and kink- and poly-affirming, and the principle I come back to holds across every kind of relationship and every kind of sex: a “yes” is a true yes when “no” is genuinely available as well.
Why it matters for both partners
When sex is regularly given under pressure, the body often learns to shut down. Desire tends to drop further, which often brings more pressure, and the cycle deepens. The pressured partner may feel unsafe, used, or ashamed. The pressuring partner often feels rejected and unwanted, and ends up further from the connection they were reaching for in the first place.
In my couples work I draw on Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, which helps partners see the negative cycle they're caught in together. Here, one partner's reaching comes out as pressure, the other partner protects themselves by pulling away, and each move fuels the other. Underneath, both people are usually hurting. Seeing the cycle helps both partners understand how they got here. It doesn't make responsibility for the pressure equally shared, and the partner applying it is the one who needs to change that behavior.
This is why rebuilding a sexual relationship starts with removing pressure. Asking the lower-desire partner to try harder usually feeds the very cycle it's meant to fix.
If you might be the partner applying pressure
Many people who engage in covert coercion don't see themselves as pressuring anyone. They're aware of their own hurt and much less aware of how it lands. Recognizing this pattern in yourself doesn't make you a bad person. It means there's specific work to do.
If you notice shame, defensiveness, or an urge to explain while reading this, pause and notice it. Shame tends to pull the focus back onto you. You can feel bad and still stay present to your partner's experience.
Questions YOU CAN sit with
When my partner says no, what do I feel? What do my face, voice, and behavior do in the next hour? The next day?
If I asked my partner what happens after they say no, what would they tell me?
Have I ever had sex with my partner when I suspected they didn't want to? What did I tell myself about it?
What am I actually looking for when I want sex: pleasure, reassurance, closeness, relief, proof that I'm loved?
Would I want sex my partner gave only to keep the peace?
Can I hear my partner describe how this has affected them without defending, correcting, or collapsing?
For men in particular
Covert coercion by men toward women partners is the most common version of this pattern, largely because of how boys and men are taught to think about sex, masculinity, and emotion. It also happens in same-gender relationships and in relationships where a woman is the one applying pressure, so these questions are worth asking whatever your gender.
What did I learn about what a man is entitled to in a relationship?
Did I learn that a woman's reluctance is something to wear down, or that getting to yes is what really counts?
Other than sex, where do I get closeness, comfort, and reassurance? Many men learn that sex is the only acceptable route to tenderness or to feeling wanted.
How do I usually handle feeling rejected, lonely, or inadequate? Does my partner end up managing those feelings for me?
What to practice instead
Accept a no fully, with no follow-up asks, and stay warm afterward. Name your disappointment once, if at all, and take responsibility for managing it yourself. Offer affection that isn't a lead-in to sex, and let it stay that way. If you're in couples therapy, talk with your therapist about whether a period of not initiating would help rebuild safety.
Talk to your partner honestly about what you would like in your sexual relationship, at a time that is not connected to (or in response to) them saying “no”, and ask them what they would like as well.
Individual therapy can be a good place to go deeper: learning to tolerate rejection without turning it into pressure, working with shame so it supports accountability instead of shutting it down, exploring the family and cultural messages you absorbed about what partners owe each other, building other sources of closeness and self-worth, and learning to acknowledge impact and repair.
If you might be the partner experiencing pressure
Covert coercion can be hard to name, because nothing obviously wrong happened and you may have said yes. Saying yes under pressure is a common and understandable way to protect yourself, the relationship, or your household. It isn't a failure on your part, and it doesn't mean you consented freely. Your experience counts and is valid.
Questions YOU CAN sit with
If I imagine saying no tonight, what do I expect to happen? What happens in my body?
How often do I say yes when I mean no, or not now? What am I protecting?
Do I avoid affection, touch, or going to bed at the same time? Why?
How has this affected my desire, my body, and how I see myself?
If there were no pressure at all, what would I want our sexual relationship to be like?
What would I need in order to feel safe saying no?
For women in particular
Many women absorb messages that make this pattern harder to see from the inside:
What did I learn about sex as a duty, or as part of my role in a relationship or marriage?
Was I taught that his mood, or the household's mood, is my responsibility?
Do I believe my lower desire is the real problem? Where did that belief come from?
Clarifying and asserting boundaries
Name it to yourself first. You can recognize pressure for what it is before you say anything out loud.
Decide what your no and your not now mean. Neither one requires a reason, a promise of later, or an apology.
Separate affection from sex if you need to. For example: "I'd like to cuddle, and I'm not up for sex tonight."
Decide what you'll do if pressure continues. That might mean leaving the room, or choosing not to explain again.
Bring it into couples therapy. You can tell your therapist privately first and plan together how to raise it in session, if you’re not sure how to raise it in front of your partner to start.
Individual therapy can help here too, with the impact on your sense of safety and value in the relationship, telling the difference between your own desire and your response to pressure, recognizing freeze or people-pleasing responses, body image and body autonomy, and making decisions about the relationship at your own pace.
Bringing this into couples therapy
Sexual pressure is one of the harder things for couples to talk about, and it often stays unspoken until someone in the room makes space for it. If you're working with a couples therapist who hasn't asked about it, you're allowed to bring it up yourself, together or privately first.
I work with couples virtually as a licensed marriage and family therapist in Illinois, Oregon, Washington, and Arizona, and as a Registered Telehealth Marriage and Family Therapist in Idaho and South Carolina. If you'd like to talk about whether working together could help, you can request a consultation here.
Resources
Terry Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. A direct, non-shaming look at entitlement, feeling "one-up," and coming back into connection. More at relationallife.com.
Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are and Come Together. How desire works, why pressure shuts it down, and why lower desire is not a defect.
Betty Martin, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent. A practical framework for asking, hearing no, and noticing what you do and don't want. Free videos at bettymartin.org.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A practical guide to identifying and stating boundaries.
The Mask You Live In (documentary, The Representation Project). How boys and men are taught narrow ideas of masculinity, sex, and emotion.
Sexual coercion information: womenshealth.gov, Sexual coercion.
Finding a therapist: the AASECT referral directory for certified sex therapists, or Psychology Today to search by specialty.
If you feel afraid of your partner, or if pressure includes threats, force, or control over money, contact, or where you go, please tell your therapist. You can also reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org, or the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 or rainn.org. Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? may also be helpful.
This post is for informational purposes only. It does not constitute therapy or establish a therapeutic or legal relationship with Erin Runt, LMFT.
About Erin
I'm Erin Runt, a licensed marriage and family therapist practicing virtually in Illinois, Oregon, Washington, and Arizona (and registered for telehealth in Idaho and South Carolina). My work focuses on adult sibling relationships, couples, and adult family therapy, including the complicated family dynamics that contribute to estrangement. My work has been featured in The Atlantic, in SELF Magazine, and in the book “Who’s the Favorite: The Loving, Messy Realities of Sibling Relationships” by Catherine Carr, specifically on sibling relationships and sibling therapy.
If any of this resonates, I'd be glad to talk. You can reach me through erinrunttherapy.com.
Erin Runt Therapy, PLLC · erinrunttherapy.com